Let the fun begin

19th May 2013

Post reblogged from GallifreyanSub with 547 notes

I solemnly swear that I will not…

gallifreyansub:

curiouspetbunny:

whenhedonistmetbaby:

• Sing “hit me baby one more time” during a spanking.
• Squirt lube/squirty cream in his face and tell him I’m into ‘giving’ facials.
• Hide his spanking implements and replace them with Pokemon cards and chocolate bars.
• Use the Hitachi Wand as a pretend microphone.
• Say “now make me a sandwich” after he’s made me cum.
• Ask if he “kisses his momma with that mouth” while he’s dirty talking.
• Shout “ThunderCats are go” when he’s about to cum.
• Roll my eyes.
• Stomp my feet.
• Spank him with a spatula.
• Refer to him as “my bitch”
• Decorate with stickers, or attach balloons to his toy collection.
• Put nipple clamps on the chicken breasts in his fridge.
• Glue all the pegs together.
• Say “good girl” or “left a bit, right a bit” or hand him an A to Z while he’s performing oral sex on me.
• Recite the plot to High School Musical when he asks me how my day has been.
• Replace the contents of his underwear drawer with pretty girl knickers.
• Fill his pockets full of sequins and glitter.
• Draw a willy on his face while he sleeps.
• Draw a face on his willy while he sleeps.
• Attempt to capture/kidnap/restrain him. He is much taller, stronger, smarter, and meaner than me. Remember that!
• Use his rope for skipping.
• Refer to the kitchen as “his office”
• Change his desktop wallpaper to a collage of kittens, cupcakes and hearts.
• Change his ringtone to Justin Bieber.
• Shout “Hammer Time” when he tells me to stop.
• Text him random facts about cats in the middle of the night.
• Ask “is it in yet?”
• Call him Daddy in the supermarket, while squeezing his bum.
• Shout “you shall not pass” when he tries to insert his penis into me.
• Ask him to “take the Ring to Mordor” and hand him a cock ring.
• Refer to sex as porking or making bacon.
• Talk to him all about bacteria when he asks for dirty talk.
• Call his penis Princess Fluffykins/Pretty McPrettyton/a grown up lollipop.
• Say “she shoots, she scores” or score him out of ten after we’ve done the blanket dance.
• Ask if he has his man period.
• Stomp my feet and say “but I want to ride the penis”
• Gargle his man juice, or wipe it on his curtains.
• Pretend to choke to death.
• Use Bazinga as a safeword.
• Compare his penis to a strap on, and threaten him with it.
• Ask “are we there yet?” during sex.
• Make sheep noises.
• Measure/hit his penis with a spoon.
• Say “mmm you smell like my dad”
• Rickroll him during sex.
• Shout “trolls, trolls, the fucking trolls” in the middle of the night.
• Go cock eyed while looking up during a blow job.
• Pull his hair and call him Mary.
• Make him roses out of cum tissues.
• Stop mid hand job and ask him to pull my finger.
• Fall asleep during luuuuuurve making.
• Sing the Hokey Pokey while he contours me into different positions.
• Threaten him with vegetables.
• Ask if he’s paying with cash or credit card.
• Punch the air/do the “I got laid” dance after sex.
• Disagree with his choice of punishment, and recommend my own.
• Call him a wuss/girl/wimp/pussy. It hurts.
• Threaten to stop tending my lady garden.
• Write threats on the bathroom mirror.
• Tell him I want a knickerbocker glory. We have different ideas of what this is!
• Put vegetables/slices of meat in his bed and tell him he has upset the local farmers market mafia.
• Shout “safeword” or “hard limit” when he tries to express his feelings.
• Perform surprise popping candy blow jobs.
• Do a Gollum impression and say “my precious” when he whispers threats in my ear.
• Continue to reference Lord of the Rings.
• Hogtie him while he sleeps. Boundaries. Consent. I’m learning.
• Do ice down his pants surprise attacks.
• Shout “beam me up, Scotty” when pulls out a Hitachi wand.
• Jump up and down on his bed while shouting “look at me! Check me out! I’m so awesome! I can swim like a motherfucking fish!”
• Ask him where he thinks our relationship is going?, What’s on the tellybox later?, How his mum is doing? when he’s about to cum.
• Hide chocolate buttons in his fleshlight. Chocolate willy surprise!
• Sew his belt to his pants.
• Take a picture of his cum face “SAY CHEESE!”

*retitles as “List of things to do”*

LOL things I may do…

Shout “TROLL! TROLL in the dungeon,” when he inserts.

See, this is why I would have a girlfriend, let alone a Mistress, for very lone. I’d make it a point to do just about every one of these.

Source: whenhedonistmetbaby